July Horoscopes
Aura Weaver x Gabbie Watts brings you horoscopes for July! Hold onto your britches, Mercury in Retrograde is here!
Cancer
Do you remember that time when you were crying in an alleyway by a parking garage and a name man named Juan appeared and told you that every problem has a solution because #god?
Well, you incidentally are going to have two more humiliating cries in public this month, which is one less than you expect. But don’t worry, God is “looking out” for “you.” Or, at the very least, someone will witness you crying and try to say something helpful to you.
Leo
The end is nigh, so why are you sitting around so much? The thing about a Leo is that you think you are shinier than everyone else. That doesn’t mean you are, but if you don’t believe it, who will? I am not convinced by these tepid gestures of work.
Virgo
Once upon a time, my mom tried to clean her marble countertops so well that she ended up buffering all the way through the countertops and ended up at the center of the earth.
Watch out for over-correcting this month. It might lead you to places you don’t expect, but more specifically, it will lead you to unsustainable living conditions. Like the core of the earth. But at least rent is cheap.
Libra
Libra, when I went to look up character traits of Libra (I mean, consult with the stars), the website link was broken. “502 Bad Gateway,” it said. And you know what, Libra? Sometimes you do have to go back to truly go forward. Life is not a ladder. It’s a rope swing in a sweaty swamp, going back and forth and all around. Hover as you might, a gator might come to snack on your butt.
Scorpio
Scorpio, it’s okay that that one friend of yours is totally inauthentic. That’s their problem, so don’t make it yours. Some people are malleable, and that’s okay. I mean, definitely gossip about them, but you already have, so let’s move on to something more productive.
Just like vague tweeting, vague astrology-ing is not good for your vibes. Karma is real in that if you think you’re doing something bad, you will make sure your self-destructive ass feels bad.
Sagittarius
Sag, you are dreaming a little too much. For you, even the simplest idea can spiral into an Etsy business so quickly that you forget about the real task at hand. What are you running from? Is it yourself? Is it what you have already accomplished? Is it the gator that snacked on your butt from the Libra post? Discuss.
Capricorn
Wow, I had a crisis a few days ago when I found out that Hillary Clinton IS NOT a Capricorn. She’s a SCORPIO?
I feel really bad assuming that every politician has BIG! CAP! ENERGY! Cap, don’t let people take away your nuances this month. You’re not just conniving and charismatic and have a thirst for power. No, you are MORE THAN THAT? What “the more” is is up to you because isn’t it always?
Aquarius
You have dug yourself a snug hole outfitted with barbed wire. Are you trying to not let anyone in, or are your trying to convince yourself that you don’t want to go out? Remember it will likely rain this month and you will just be a mud slug.
Pisces
Have you ever considered writing a book, Pisces? Specifically about alligators in the Okefenokee Swamp? It might be pertinent for you to visit the swamp. (Or at least plan a trip for late fall.) Bring a friend along to either 1. feed off their good vibes, or 2. sacrifice to the gator gods.
Also, feel free to write about a different subject. Or, I could be misreading “the stars” as journaling might be sufficient.
Aries
The dumb sloots that I share an office with use too much air freshener in the bathroom, so it feels like you are suffocating whilst you pee.
Aries, you are basically an air freshener because you will expand in any container you are in. I’m just saying you need to do that in the appropriate container. Sometimes you won’t fit. But you do like to make people choke. Make someone choke this month, why not???
Taurus
You really do think you know what you are doing. But if there is anything we can learn from Martha Stewart, it’s that even the most domestic person can go to prison and have a cooking show with Snoop Dogg.
I’m not saying what you’re doing is illegal or off brand. I’m just saying that you aren’t fully looking at the consequences of your very deliberate actions. Step back. Skip prison and just start the cooking show.
Gemini
Go to Crossfit.